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Jada Pinkett Smith was Tom Cruise's target in Collateral, and a freedom fighter in The Matrix sequels, and, in this month's Madagascar, she plays Gloria the Hippo. But at home, she's Mommy - apollo

Jada Pinkett Smith was Tom Cruise's target in Collateral, and a freedom fighter in The Matrix sequels, and, in this month's Madagascar, she plays Gloria the Hippo. But at home, she's Mommy - apollo

Beth Falkenstein: She's like someone out of a 50s TV show, or a Dick and Jane book ... only she's in color and has a great sense of humor. Her house is within walking distance to her daughter& - apollo

Jada Pinkett Smith was Tom Cruise's target in Collateral, and a freedom fighter in The Matrix sequels, and, in this month's Madagascar, she plays Gloria the Hippo. But at home, she's Mommy - apollo

Beth Falkenstein: She's like someone out of a 50s TV show, or a Dick and Jane book ... only she's in color and has a great sense of humor. Her house is within walking distance to her daughter& - apollo

Jada Pinkett Smith was Tom Cruise's target in Collateral, and a freedom fighter in The Matrix sequels, and, in this month's Madagascar, she plays Gloria the Hippo. But at home, she's Mommy - apollo
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Drowning Our Kids in Happiness


Columnist Share

Visit: Author's Website


Mothers beware: when it comes to your children’s happiness, less is more.

Of course we want our kids to be happy—what mother doesn’t? But over the past twenty-five years, millions of well-intentioned moms have made life harder for their children by shielding them from every kind of unhappiness. And the kids are paying a price.

Trying to soften every edge in our children’s lives—turning into the happiness police—cripples the kids emotionally. Too many of us cruise our children’s world, trying to thwart anyone or anything that might bring a frown to their faces. That could be the teacher who gives too much homework or the coach who keeps the child too long on the bench. And when our kids show up with some emotional injury, we’re too quick to cheer them up with a new blouse or the latest plastic toy. We don’t let them sit and discover that tough feelings pass, and that they can find within themselves—when given the chance and without our speedy rescue—the resources to handle difficult moments.

We need to remember that unless our sons and daughters have plenty of practice coping with sadness, upset, hurt, and disappointment—ordinary childhood adversity—they won’t develop resilience. And without resilience, they’re vulnerable to all kinds of problems.

In my book, "I Just Want My Kids To Be Happy: Why You Shouldn’t Say It, Why You Shouldn’t Think It, What You Should Embrace Instead," I review the gloomy statistics over the past two decades: rising rates of youth anxiety and depression, increasing numbers of kids reporting that they worry a lot, college counseling centers unable to keep up with the growing demand for appointments.

And the onset of depression is occurring at earlier ages than ever before.

Countless stay-at-home moms (like other moms) have come to regard their kids’ happiness as a reflection of their own effectiveness as a parent, a kind of report card on how well they themselves are doing. That makes it easy to get carried away trying to keep the kids smiling, forgetting that a smile on the outside doesn’t always signif that things are going well on the inside.

I’d rather mothers taught their sons and daughters the paradox behind the pursuit of happiness: to find it, you’ve got to let it go. It can’t be planned or grasped or purchased. It’s always just a by-product of living life in certain ways. Research has revealed those ways—the eight key ingredients that lead to true contentment. I’d rather mothers concentrated on those ingredients rather than happiness, and planted the eight seeds while the kids are young. Like a sense of gratitude and an optimistic outlook. Enjoying close relationships and gratifying pursuits. Engaging in acts of loving kindness. These are five of the eight seeds for moms to emphasize; all eight are described in the book.

Here are a number of suggestions on ways to plant these five seeds:

• At the dinner table, ask the kids to name two things that went well that day; make it a daily conversation that everyone partakes of. (It promotes a sense of gratitude.)

• On birthdays or holidays, help them deliver their unused toys to a pediatrics ward or a school in need. (It teaches the importance of acts of loving kindness, and it promotes gratitude for what they have.)

• Greet their mistakes and failures with positive interest and encouragement, affirming that failure is our best teacher. (It promotes an optimistic outlook, the sense that mistakes help us grow and develop.)

• Identify your child’s true interests and strengths—these may be different than the latest trends or the activities that all the other kids are doing—and use that information to find hobbies, clubs, or summer camps that cater to their strongest interests. (Our most gratifying pursuits are the ones that build on our innate talents and interests.)

• Invite their friends along on outings and for sleepovers. (It encourages closeness to others.)

• Have the kids write notes (the youngest can send drawings) with messages of appreciation after a friend or family member gives them a gift or takes them on an outing. (It promotes a sense of gratitude.)

• Talk about the importance of your own friendships, and be sure to invite your friends to the house from time to time. (It teaches by example the importance of closeness to others.)

• When the kids are with you, remember to give voice to optimism during frustrating moments. “We can make the best of waiting in this long line. Let’s talk about how we want to spend the summer.” (It promotes an optimistic outlook.)

• Insist that the kids help you bake (or purchase) cookies, and later deliver them together to the housebound neighbor recovering from illness. (It teaches the importance of acts of loving kindness.)

In my counseling office, I’ve consoled too many youngsters wracked with guilt and shame over their inability to be cheerier than they are. They think they’re a disappointment to their happiness-obsessed parents, and sad to say, they’re often right. I’ve listened to teens railing against teachers who just won’t cater to their every whim, the way their parents do at home. And I’ve witnessed kids lacking the resilience to face ordinary challenges because parents have shielded them from so many moments of unhappiness, those necessary encounters with adversity that build resilience and strengthen our children’s emotional muscles.

Mothers especially have been paying a price trying to keep the kids happy: exhausting themselves by constantly chauffeuring the kids to wherever (and whenever) they want to go, or building up credit card balances buying all the latest stuff that the youngsters may not need but insist they must have. After a while, moms feel like they’re stuck on a non-stop hamster’s wheel just to keep the children smiling.

Isn’t it time to get off that wheel?
Comments
rosiemann on July 17 2008 18:10:44
It's so hard to say no when you look at those little faces. I say...don't look em in the eye, and you'll be ok!
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